


monsterfucker

by Duckyboos



Series: Profound Meetings [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Alternate Universe - Cthulhu Mythos Fusion, Castiel Has Tentacles (Supernatural), Cthulhu Mythos, Elder God, M/M, Monster Castiel (Supernatural), Summoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25574332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckyboos/pseuds/Duckyboos
Summary: “Awh man,” the human laments, “I was hoping Cthulhu would show up.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Profound Meetings [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820488
Comments: 67
Kudos: 286





	monsterfucker

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an homage of sorts to FriendofCarlotta's accidental summoning fic, [Adventures in Demon Summoning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24363568/chapters/58756408)
> 
> It's really good fun and super snarky, so go check it out!

Castiel is old. Older than death, older than religion, older than the Earth, even. 

There’s a reason he’s considered an ‘Elder Thing’.

Which is why he’s not entirely appreciative of being _summoned_. By a human, no less. Pesky things, humans. Always getting big ideas in those small brains, thinking that they’re more important than they are. 

He and Gol-goroth used to have a wager on which species would eventually take over the earth. 

Castiel’s stake was on the prehistoric crabs. Gol-goroth’s, the megalodon.

Neither of them could have ever imagined even with their combined two-hundred-and-thirty-six omnipotent eyes, that the dominant force on planet earth would end up being an ancestor of the unimpressive Tiktaalik fish. 

Ugly and uninspiring, that’s what humans are. There are billions of planets with more fascinating, intelligent species than could ever be named. And yet it is the humans that think themselves masters of the universe.

And now one is _demanding_ Castiel’s presence. 

These spells aren’t binding. Castiel doesn’t have to show up, but he does anyway, because it’s been a good millennium or so since he’s scared some unsuspecting human.

He makes sure to knock out all of the power within a five-mile radius when he arrives. Just because he can. 

A dramatic entrance never hurt anyone.

He’s expecting the human to cower in his presence. Or at least show some signs of reverential deference, but instead it simply makes a rather unattractive face.

Which, admittedly, looks slightly less unattractive with the way the cinnamon-scented candle casts shadows across its face.

“Awh man,” the human laments, “I was hoping Cthulhu would show up.”

Castiel tilts his head, squints. It’s difficult to see through two measly eyes, “All life on earth as you know it would end if Cthulhu were to rise.”

The human still looks put out by Castiel’s presence, which is extremely galling, frankly, and Castiel does _not_ need to stay here for this. Just as he’s about to give the human a plague of boils and disappear back into the ether, it asks, “So who the hell are you?” 

Castiel rolls the shoulders of his vessel, tries to inject as much gravitas as possible into its tiny voicebox, “Castiel, the Unspeakable.”

“Oooh, dramatic,” The human wiggles its fingers, insolent and unimpressed, “Why unspeakable?”

“Because if you speak my name, you will explode.”

The human flails like it’s been electrocuted, “You couldn’t have led with that, man? What if I’d said your name just now?”

Castiel thinks it’s mostly self-explanatory, “Then you would have exploded.”

“Uh-huh.” The human seems annoyed, which is rich. “I’ll call you Cas then, I think. That okay?”

“I suppose,” Castiel agrees reluctantly, “Why am I here?”

“Dude, that’s what I wanna know! The spell I bought was for Cthulhu, not--” It flings a careless hand at Castiel’s vessel, “ _You_.” Apparently realizing its mistake, the human is quick to add, “No offense.”

Castiel is wholly offended by this entire thing. He tells the human so, “I’ve traveled several light-years for this. It’s hard not to be insulted.”

The human gapes, green eyes shining in the low light, “Several light-years? Man, you look good. No signs of jet lag, nothing.”

Gratified by this inconsequential being’s mild praise for reasons that Castiel doesn’t fully comprehend, he says, “This is a form I thought you would find pleasing.”

The human balks, “What? Dude, no way! I’m not into guys.”

Castiel says nothing. The human is a terrible liar.

“I’m _not_ ,” It insists, a rather delectable shade of pink spreading across the sweep of its cheekbones, making the freckles that dot its nose and cheeks stand out.

As far as humans go, Castiel supposes this one isn’t the ugliest.

“I don’t judge,” Castiel informs him, “It’s unfortunate that this planet seems extremely limited in its sexes and genders. There are thousands of others that have at least several hundred.”

“Several _hundred_?”

“Yes.”

“What about…?” The human trails off, motions vaguely over its crotch, “Y’know.”

“Genitalia?”

The human nods.

“As humorous as human genitalia is, there are stranger iterations out there. For instance, I myself have tentacles and a vent.”

The human coughs into its fist, the pinkness on its cheeks deepening to a satisfying crimson, "You have tentacles?"

“Yes,” Castiel confirms, “And eighty-three eyes.”

The human thinks on this for a long moment, “I guess you’re right. Gay or not - which _not_ \- I definitely find this version of you more pleasing.”

“You’re not gay,” Castiel says and the human’s shoulders slump in relief, “You’re bisexual.”

“No,” The human hisses, splotchy now and Castiel is rather enjoying himself, “I like women, okay?”

“And men.”

“ _No_.”

“And Eldritch gods too, I suppose,” Castiel adds, to the human’s horror.

“What?”

“Your pupils dilated when I mentioned my tentacles.”

“They did not! Okay, I am _done_ with you. You’re an asshole, how the fuck do I send you back?” The human scrabbles for the spell - the very same one that they’ve both acknowledged didn’t work in the first place, so what the human is hoping to achieve this time around, Castiel isn’t sure. 

With a flick of his vessel’s wrist, Castiel burns the paper up in mid-air, ash scattering to the carpet.

The human’s mouth forms a perfectly round, ‘o’ shape in surprise, then it whirls on Castiel, “What the fuck did you do that for?”

“If you want to send me away, that’s not how you do it.”

“How, then?”

“You ask nicely.”

“Oh fuck you, man.”

Castiel smiles. It’s much easier without all the teeth he has outside of this vessel, “Would you like to?”

“Would I like to, what?”

“Fuck. I’ll even let you play with my tentacles.”

It’s a generous offer. He’s never been compelled to swap sludge with a human before. But he’s growing quite fond of this one. It could be fun. 

After a long pause, to his own surprise, but not Castiel’s, the human says in a nonchalant voice that's fooling absolutely nobody, “Yeah, sure. Why the hell not?”

**Author's Note:**

> [ my tumblr ](http://not-a-natural-born-idjit.tumblr.com/)


End file.
